Stoltz is a Leghorn, Where's Melanie? and other useless trivia bits from Xterra 2013

My main complaint, and the downfall of this site, has long been, same old shit, new year.  The rides are fun, but how many times do we need to recount the stories?  Case in point, rewind to this time last year.  Xterra 2012.   Leghorns set up shop in their usual spot, and bring a little mayhem to the party.  Some racers thrive on it, and some just fall to pieces.  Either way, it adds a little mental challenge to the race that you just can't train for in the  mid-week pre-ride.  Conrad Stoltz seemed to take it all in stride, and propelled himself to another victory in the RVA.  He gave a shout out on his site, we gave a shout back on ours - yadda, yadda, yadda....a connection was made.  We both had a mutual friend in Spike Toler (may she rest in peace), but we had never met.  Our paths only crossing as I stumble to get out of the trail before he runs me over.

Now fast forward to Xterra 2013, we gave a preemptive call out to Conrad on his site, only to soon find out he is out with injury.  then back in, maybe.  then back out.  very disappointing.  especially after we showered him with praise last year.  Rule #5, Conrad, Rule #5!  When you come to our town, you play by our rules.

Another, more direct and less polite call out was in the works, questioning the Caveman's testicular fortitude. Hallowed ground, I know, but this Rule #5 thing is serious business, and what do I care if the international triathalon set thinks I'm a jackass.  The local mountain bike set already thinks I'm a jackass, and they know me better than anybody.  But I held it, 'cause the fat lady hadn't sung just yet.

Meanwhile again this year we set up shop in the usual fashion:  music, grill, beverages, a few decorations, some clever costumes, some cute girls, some guys dressed like girls which was not so cute, a surly crowd craving carnage and human suffering, etc. Things are going along swimmingly and quickly I become distracted with the task at hand, which is basically to distract a bunch of racers, most of whom take themselves way to serious.  A few hours (and a few beers)  in somebody grabs me and says "Conrad Stoltz wants to get his picture with you!" (its that moment when the room goes silent and the needle rips across the record)

"Wha?" 

the Caveman delivers a Sunday sermon about the true meaning of Rule #5, while the Leghorns drink the Kool-Aid

And there you have it...World Class, World Champion.  Hamming it up with the Leghorns.  Great guy, very personable mixing it up with a bunch of sweaty drunks.  By the end of the race everyone who asked had themselves a nice keepsake, in the form of a pic with the 4 time champ and undisputed king of the Richmond event.  Conrad took home a nice keepsake in the form of poison ivy.  Lets hope that's the only rash he takes away from RVA this year!

We have the pictures the mainstream media won't show you, because their corporate sponsors don't want you to see them.  Blow up dolls, Mickey Mouse in leather, women of questionable integrity, the list goes on.  I shouldn't say anymore but I mean, when you've offended Hooters, you've done something!

Monday:  an otherwise rainy and boring workday at the desk, but my email is blowing up with "did you see this article in..."  Triathelete.com, Richmond Times-Dispatch, Xterra.com.

But the most interesting email was from a guy I rode with a few times a few years back.  This is 100% true:

Gents, long time no see, hope you’re all doing well.

We’re trying to locate present whereabouts of one GPS tracker that became separated from Melanie McQuaid in Sundays race, my employer and race sponsor Luck Stone hires them for the race and needs to send them all back.

Let me know if you can point me in the right direction, I believe Conrad took a photo of the perp at the site 

Cheers

Metro-sexual?

As Lumberg would say, "Ummm...right...." We're going to need you to go ahead and track that...

So that is exactly what I did, although I advised, you may not want it back.  As of today (Wednesday) at lunch time, apparently Miss McQuaid is still holed up with Metro in the Stratford Hills area.  Chicks dig Metro, and for the life of me that is something I may never understand.

Oh yes there was a great race on, but I'm not here to give race reports, I've given you three links above to check out all the action.

Chapeau Caveman!  Even when defeated you are a great champion.  Your loss was our gain, we look forward to seeing you back in action, and until next year...

6/18  UPDATE:  best pics yet -

http://backlight.zenfolio.com/p568267976/slideshow

2013 Pantani Ride

Well, there it is.  Pantaini Ride, two.zero.one.three.  Feb 10.  Strava it.  Won't do any good.  They only invite you so they can serve you a frozen platter of humiliation. 

Apparently, I'm being called out.  Does that require coming out?  Cause I'm not quite sure I'm ready.  Don't ask, don't tell.  If you have to ask, I'm not gonna dignify it with a response.  Looks like some special rigs are being prepared & perhaps some tire selections being contemplated.   I'm a run what you brung kind of guy.  I got one bike and one pair of tires.  I prefer to waste my mental energy on the tougher questions like "What kind of beer will we bring?"  "Will we drink it before the ride or after?"  "How hard will Metro's nipples get if he wears that Hooter's outfit?"

2011 was a blast.  Woke up on Brokenback Mountain covered in snow with my shorts on backwards and a pocketful of one dollar bills.  What's not to love about that?  

Did some sub-zero training last night.  Topped it up with cold beer, hot empenadas and soft porn. 

I will be there.  I will be serving up the pain by the heaping teaspoonful.  Scottie D. better watch his back. 

Check back here for the full report.  Don't be suprised if you don't find it.  Cause that's how it goes sometimes.

I think the local cycling posse calls themselves the “Leghorns”...

Well, only the cool kids Conrad.  We typically don't cavort with triatheletes, but in your case, we're making a special exemption.  Cause you eat nails and sweat Rule #5.  We've actually been looking for a World Champion for a few years now.  Plus, you get it (in a healthy, sober, athletic sort of way, but you still get it).  So here's to ya!

Make some room on the mantle for the rock.

Truth be told, I had descended the mountain of glory and was drinking from the river of salvation when all this transpired.  Yes I had an appointment with the Lord.  I was in church with my beloved mum.  Thankfully, the Leghorns did not disappoint.  What was a crew of three last year, grew exponetially to something like 40 this year.  There may have been a few beverages involved.  As I understand it, beer handups and beer showers were flyin' all day!

Frank gets it.  Check out that smile-she gets it too.

Metro gets it, in more ways than you ever imagined.  Scary.

Nice, um package, but it's not my birthday.

If you've got a few hours to kill you can see it all right here, streamed live from the peanut gallery.
In all the excitement, nobody got me a pic of Scottie D.   More Xterra tales of woe for him.  Always sumthin' ain't it Scottie!  Tri and tri again.

All this can only lead to one obvious conclusion, the 2015 World Road Racing Championships are gonna be off the hook!  Hell we got 3 more years to refine this level of insanity.  We'll be practicing at an event near you, real soon.

Bantam weight, of course!

Lil' pecker is oh fer three in his first cockfight, but having a blast, and, most importantly, expending a ton of extra energy. He's been slammed, jammed and put in a chicken wing and he hasn't cried uncle yet. Which is more than I can say for several of his teammates. Rule #5 is in effect!

XTERRA 2011

I know, I know, the Double Fondo went down last weekend and I missed the post. There is a draft floating around in the web-o-sphere somewhere and let me assure you, the names may have changed, but the story is the same. Seven or eight old guys get their teeth stomped in by Joe Fish. Read last years recap and you'll have most of it.

Moving on to current events: generally, we here at FLP tend to frown upon any ride which is preceded by a swim, and/or followed by a run, but if you were brave enough to toe the line in this year's Xterra, well, you may have been slightly surprised by this lurking around the corner:

Or This:

Which, after a few or more early morning beers, degraded into something like this:

Unfortunately, it is virtually impossible to hold a giant syringe, a beer and a camera in just two hands, therefore I cannot show you any photos of the Caveman Conrad Stoltz shredding Buttermilk Trail, or Shonny V. riding Melanie McQuaid's wheel on lap 2, or Scottie D. suffering with the rest of the "also rans" out there.

Scottie D, let this be a lesson to you: a whole spring wasted - swimming, running and not drinking. You are one of us and we are not triatheletes, unless, of course, the events are riding, drinking and eating well. Now get back on yer bike, get some socks, ditch the sleeveless jersey and let's see if you can salvage a bit of self-respect in time for the SM100.

MON 6/13/2011 UPDATE:

This just in from the Forest Hill news bureau. Scottie D. assumes the position. No sleeves, no socks, no service!

This just in from Frank

Foghorn Leghorn approved-

Foghorn Leghorn Disapproved-

In light of the Tour de Cali cancelling the first stage due to snow squalls, I must request that you have Scottie, the intern, book a flight and go enforce some "no whining" policy in Tahoe. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Frank

PS- I believe that Jens Voight is exempt from correction based on past performances, but Scottie should at least give him a stern talking to.

Keen eye for irony and wit, has that Frank. He is one of us. Salute Frank, you just got yerself a dee-ploma from Foghorn U.

Somebody cue up "Pomp & Circumstance."

Enjoy your Easter weekend, but remember...

Brad will be suffering for your sins! Approximately one half hour ago, Foghorn Leghorn Productions place it's first entrant into the grueling TransIowa race, and he is probably some where about say, oh, I dunno, maybe 315 miles and 33.5 hours from the finish. The good Lord dumped ass loads of rain all week up there in Grinnell, but the weekend looks purty. Did I mention pavement is somewhat of an anomaly up that way. Give 'em hell Bradley, and remember rule #5. You will soon be only referred to as Mr. TransIowalter to all of us mortals.