FOGHORN LEGHORN PRODUCTIONS: Stoltz is a Leghorn, Where's Melanie? and other useless trivia bits from Xterra 2013

My main complaint, and the downfall of this site, has long been, same old shit, new year. The rides are fun, but how many times do we need to recount the stories? Case in point, rewind to this time last year. Xterra 2012. Leghorns set up shop in their usual spot, and bring a little mayhem to the party. Some racers thrive on it, and some just fall to pieces. Either way, it adds a little mental challenge to the race that you just can't train for in the mid-week pre-ride. Conrad Stoltz seemed to take it all in stride, and propelled himself to another victory in the RVA. He gave a shout out on his site, we gave a shout back on ours - yadda, yadda, yadda....a connection was made. We both had a mutual friend in Spike Toler (may she rest in peace), but we had never met. Our paths only crossing as I stumble to get out of the trail before he runs me over.

Now fast forward to Xterra 2013, we gave a preemptive call out to Conrad on his site, only to soon find out he is out with injury. then back in, maybe. then back out. very disappointing. especially after we showered him with praise last year. Rule #5, Conrad, Rule #5! When you come to our town, you play by our rules.

Another, more direct and less polite call out was in the works, questioning the Caveman's testicular fortitude. Hallowed ground, I know, but this Rule #5 thing is serious business, and what do I care if the international triathalon set thinks I'm a jackass. The local mountain bike set already thinks I'm a jackass, and they know me better than anybody. But I held it, 'cause the fat lady hadn't sung just yet.

Meanwhile again this year we set up shop in the usual fashion: music, grill, beverages, a few decorations, some clever costumes, some cute girls, some guys dressed like girls which was not so cute, a surly crowd craving carnage and human suffering, etc. Things are going along swimmingly and quickly I become distracted with the task at hand, which is basically to distract a bunch of racers, most of whom take themselves way to serious. A few hours (and a few beers) in somebody grabs me and says "Conrad Stoltz wants to get his picture with you!" (its that moment when the room goes silent and the needle rips across the record)

"Wha?"

the Caveman delivers a Sunday sermon about the true meaning of Rule #5, while the Leghorns drink the Kool-Aid

And there you have it...World Class, World Champion. Hamming it up with the Leghorns. Great guy, very personable mixing it up with a bunch of sweaty drunks. By the end of the race everyone who asked had themselves a nice keepsake, in the form of a pic with the 4 time champ and undisputed king of the Richmond event. Conrad took home a nice keepsake in the form of poison ivy. Lets hope that's the only rash he takes away from RVA this year!

We have the pictures the mainstream media won't show you, because their corporate sponsors don't want you to see them. Blow up dolls, Mickey Mouse in leather, women of questionable integrity, the list goes on. I shouldn't say anymore but I mean, when you've offended Hooters, you've done something!

Monday: an otherwise rainy and boring workday at the desk, but my email is blowing up with "did you see this article in..." Triathelete.com, Richmond Times-Dispatch, Xterra.com.

But the most interesting email was from a guy I rode with a few times a few years back. This is 100% true:

Gents, long time no see, hope you’re all doing well.

We’re trying to locate present whereabouts of one GPS tracker that became separated from Melanie McQuaid in Sundays race, my employer and race sponsor Luck Stone hires them for the race and needs to send them all back.

Let me know if you can point me in the right direction, I believe Conrad took a photo of the perp at the site

Cheers

Metro-sexual?

As Lumberg would say, "Ummm...right...." We're going to need you to go ahead and track that...

So that is exactly what I did, although I advised, you may not want it back. As of today (Wednesday) at lunch time, apparently Miss McQuaid is still holed up with Metro in the Stratford Hills area. Chicks dig Metro, and for the life of me that is something I may never understand.

Oh yes there was a great race on, but I'm not here to give race reports, I've given you three links above to check out all the action.

Chapeau Caveman! Even when defeated you are a great champion. Your loss was our gain, we look forward to seeing you back in action, and until next year...